Tiger bagged a tranny!

I cant believe it! Tiger woods was cheating on his super hot wife with a tranny with the last name, wait for it.... youshouldtell! Look it up! Rachel Uchitel's last name is pronounced "you should tell!" That's like investing your money with a guy named "made off" or sleeping with a girl named Imatramp. This will certainly give the professionals a lot to run with for a while. While we wait for his official statement here are a couple of jokes off the top of my head:

Where were Tiger and his wife headed at 2:25 in the morning? Out clubbing!

Why are Tigers swing coaches concerned with his accident? He ended up in the trees!

Thank you Tiger Woods. I believe I became a better husband and father today. At least I didn't run off with a tranny.

Here is some more info: http://www.showbizspy.com/article/195603/rachel-uchitel-blasts-tiger-woods-affair-allegations.html

Viral Video is the cure for H1N1

Nothing is funnier than seeing someone hurt themselves. Not permanently maimed or injured, but the surprise pain, i.e. funniest home videos crotch shot, make me laugh forever. I was recently introduced to the clown, no pun, accidentally hitting her head on the corner of the TV while dancing to Single Ladies by Beyonce. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2F3CMVagiHQ Don’t Worry, I didn’t ruin it, I can watch this video 100s of times and it gets funnier every time. My son is sick with strep throat, not H1N1, but I have seen that viral videos like this are making him feel much better.

Another that makes them smile each time is the video remix of Charlie bit me. Kanye sounds exactly like his album if not better after being digitally re-mastered to sound less but look more like an ass. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AN5YbfFszlI I need to figure out how to get this new song on my Ipod. Its catchy, points out how bad some of today's music really is, and most importantly makes my sick son laugh until he feels better.

The last on the list, but first in my hart, is the video of a monkey smelling his own butt. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUmpxKWOsCo Trust me; this will make you laugh until your sides hurt. This old video used to be too graphic for TV and now everyone can view it through the magic of youtube. Thank goodness for youtube. Now, whenever you need it, you can dial up a laugh. I'm my case its been helping my son get through strep, although it is probably the meds, and I'm sure if it could help you get through H1N1, just be sure to Purell your keyboard.

Enjoy.

Mafia Wars?

I am a full believer that you are only as old as you act, and for those that know me best I seem to be trapped somewhere between freshman and sophomore year of college(Stoopid College). What does bug the hell out of me are these stupid quizzes and group games on facebook. I’m not a huge fan of facebook as is, there seem to be too many people that forgot that no one cared enough to listen to their blathering in person and now they get to force-feed it to us all. But the fact is I still check my account every day. I’m not sure if its the same as watching a train wreck or if I, and I think its both, like keeping in touch with a few of the people on there. I will say, the only ones I like keeping in touch with are the ones I see on a regular basis already.

Back to the point; Mafia Wars. I can’t believe the people that are hooked into this crap and that they continue to invite others to be members of their little teams. I don’t care who found the golden turkey leg on thanksgiving or when you uncover a ring of fire somewhere. If you want to play a game go buy play station 3. There are plenty of ways to occupy your time and even waste it without letting me know. On one hand I don’t care and the other I now think you’re a tool instead of just a pain in the ass.

I am happy to announce that I am most like the city of Seattle and that I was a Harry Potter character I would be Professor Snape.

Alive by Pearl Jam as a babys lullaby

I have four kids and have picked a different goodnight song to sing each of them. First was a Frank Sinatra song as I figured I was having a kid and I should grow up. The second I made up and it is horrible. It pains me every night when they ask me to sing there song and I have to recite it again, the songs stick for years. The last two I wised up and sang or modified Pearl Jam songs. The great thing is that they keep me occupied even when my thoughts stray away from the 15 min. process of getting my baby to sleep, yes I'm sorry but sometimes my mind wanders a bit. They are also amazing songs: Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town and Alive. Elderly Woman is a beautiful melody and the words, while not about family or babies, are fully appropriate. Alive on the other hand is almost exactly about poor parenting and needs a big change to not feel like a bit of a deadbeat singing it to your beautiful child as they drift to sleep in your arms. Here is my version of the song. Not sure if I am aloud to steal and post something like this but I am fairly sure no one will ever read it. Anyway, here goes:

Son, she said, have I got a little story for you
what you thought was your Blankie, was nothing but a
while you were sleeping, upstairs in your bedroom
your real blankie was missing
sorry you didn't see it, but I'm glad we talked

Oh time for you to sleep
its late and time to drift to sleep
yea yea time for you to sleep, yea

aahh she walked slowly, across your bedroom
to give your blankie, to you
I cant remember anything to this very day
but the smell, the smell oh you know where
now I cant see, I just smell
you've got a dirty diapy,
yea it smells and now it neads to be cleaned
yea, stinky you've got a dirty diapy well

do I deserve to clean?
Is that the question, whoa
and if so, if so, who answers?
Its mommy

Time for you to sleep
yeah its late and time to drift to sleep
Yeah time for you to sleep

This is not for you, never was for you

My plan is for no one to read this blog, that way I don't have to worry about offending anyone or checking my spelling, commas and the like. I do have a few things that drive me crazy and this seems like the perfect place to let loose. After reading a friends blog, funny because he refuses to read anything and now he is writing, I have decided that my thoughts, while not as clever or well written, are certainly as bitter and potentially more sarcastic if that is possible.